^ This post brought to you by vanity (and flat caps)
For the most part, I agreed with them. Twice I've felt this way, the first was realising that I am not as ugly as I was made to feel in High School (which lead to its own set of problems... but it was fun). The second was the first time I fell in love. By that I mean LOVE, love. The one that's so strong and all consuming that you have that uncomfortable moment where it dawns on you that every time you've expressed it before, you were wrong. Beyond that I didn't think that there was anything left to "discover". I'm not saying that I didn't/don't have issues, but I'm British, and we already realise that we're pretty much the best*.
I think I just had my third, uhm, thing. I dunno what you're supposed to call these yet.
Today I realised, that the reason that I seem to be making no progress at all, is because I am trying to go in too many directions, when really I can only go in one, maybe two at best (if they're both sort of going the same way). It was more of a slow clap than an avalanche this time around, and its still clapping so bear with me.
I cannot become a Jack-of-all-trades because then I will not be able to achieve everything that I want.
I cannot fall back on just being a pretty bit floating about some rich man's palace doing chores and telling the gardener where I want the chrysanthemums and how nice the jasmine would look draped across the gazebo.
I am probably never going to be famous. ... More than probably. Almost certainly.
I want, to be a games designer and make computer games. I want my own studio. I want to be successful, and to bring imagination and the open end back to the games industry. This is really and truly what I want, and its been a running theme through my entire life although I never really took that much notice of it.
I was always that child who made games for everyone to play. I was always at the centre of a group of people who wanted to join the worlds I was spinning, even though I had very few true friends, I was always welcome because I could make the dull interesting. All my life so far I have been inventing games.
And that's exactly what I want to do for the rest of it. I want to make things that people will enjoy playing, I want to make things that you can settle yourself into as deeply as you want, I want to create rich game worlds that you can sink into at the end of a long day. I want to make things that relieve stress, and calm even the more ornery of domestic beasts. I don't want to do this with guns and missiles and controversy. I want to do this the way that I've always done things. By listening, and talking, and creating something warm.
Although...
That's quite a mountain, and I'm still way out there on the plains. I'm glad to have realised finally what I really want out of life, but its a long way and a lot of work left to do, and I am coming close to the line for at least the first part of it. So its still a slow clap. Right in the awkward stage where there's still just one jock and his loser friend making all the noise and everything else is silence.
I'll let you decide out of everyone I know, who is the jock and who is the loser. Right now I need to open Gimp and get a few MT pages done!
- SR
*Sarcasm.
